


five times bucky thought he would lose sam (and the one time sam thought he would lose bucky)

by wishbear



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alpine is there, Angst, Bisexual Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky doesn't think he can be independent anymore, Bucky's recovery is very slow, But Sam will always be there for him, But he can, Fluff, Gay Bucky Barnes, Happy Ending, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson is a Gift, but sam helps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29894493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishbear/pseuds/wishbear
Summary: Bucky has a slow recovery, and a new roommate to fall for.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	1. Home Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hi!! I am still working on my wandavision fic if you came from that but I wanted the series to end before I continued writing! I wrote this in the meantime!

There’s a lot of things Bucky Barnes has been readjusted to handle. He can handle when there’s a thunderstorm now. He can handle visiting Steve’s gravesite every once and awhile. But he can’t handle Sam going grocery shopping without telling him.

There’s a lot Bucky can handle, but not being sure if he’s still got the only person left? That is unbearable. 

It only happens once. Bucky gets up early in the morning, trying to comb through his hair he admittedly knows has gotten far too long. Sam says he’s starting to look homeless, and he might actually become homeless too if he doesn’t start helping with the dishes. Bucky would always scoff and shrug him off, saying he’d get to a barber at some time or another. 

Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet. Bucky’s hands glide to the scissors on his nightstand. His nightstand wasn’t usually where they kept the scissors, but around two am was about the time Bucky realized you don’t use them to open the tv remote. Sam wouldn’t be hearing about that.

The house is quieter than usual, but Bucky assumes Sam is still asleep. The lights are off in the house, but the blinds are open, and the sharp, bright sunlight makes Bucky feel less alienated. Baby steps, as his therapist always says. He walks to the bathroom with the scissors and decides to clean himself up.

How do you cut your own hair? Bucky huffs and grabs the iphone Sam gave him from his room. It’s nice, but again, there’s not much Bucky knows how to work. He knows how to work a gun, but he’d rather forget. 

His lockscreen was a picture of Sam giving him the finger. He still doesn’t know how to change the damn thing. He opens the phone and types in ‘how to cut own hair by yourself when no one is around’ in the search bar. He clicks on the first video and goes with it.

Whoever is talking in the video is descriptive enough, and by the end of it, Bucky feels he doesn’t look half-bad. He still looks disheveled, having only rolled his way out of his small, twin sized bed a couple minutes ago, but this new look of his made him smile. It was rare he got to be proud of himself, so he takes this as a victory. 

He needs to get his own clothes. Everything in his closet is a hand-me-down from either Steve or Sam. He quickly throws on one of Sam’s shirts and pretends he doesn’t notice how it still smells like him. There’s a door to open there, but he’d rather keep it locked and stored away for now. 

He stumbles into the kitchen, still trying to completely wake up. He squints at the time.

10:00. Sam is always up by now. 

Maybe Sam was sleeping in. Or, more likely, it was none of Bucky’s business. 

Bucky shoots him a quick text anyways. 

‘Are you still in bed? Did I really kick your ass that good in training the other day?’

Training still scared the living shit out of Bucky, although he’d never admit it. He was terrified to hurt anyone, but especially Sam. Some days go by and Bucky wonders why Steve left him with Sam, and other days, Bucky will catch one of Sam’s genuine, heartwarming smiles and he’ll know exactly why. Sam would take care of Bucky in ways Steve simply couldn’t.

As the memories go clearer in his head, he’s reminded of the overwhelming hurt he felt when Steve left. He knew Steve wouldn’t stay, and he knew Steve could never love him as much as he loved Steve, but it still punched Bucky in the gut and made him even worse than he had been before. He was completely alone in a world he hadn’t known for decades. 

But Sam was there, and Sam was different.

Both Sam and Steve teased Bucky and made him feel like he had a family, but there was more to it than that. While Steve told Bucky day and night that he was his first and only priority, Bucky knew that some days that was just not true. Sam, on the other hand, never told Bucky he was a priority, but made him  _ feel  _ like he was.

That was the difference. 

When Bucky doesn’t get a response right away, he decides to peer into Sam’s room. When he sees the bed is empty, he starts to panic.

Panic flows through Bucky in waves, each one crashing harder than the next, making it hard to breathe.

_ Maybe he’s just out, and you’re worrying over nothing. He’ll get you for that, you know? _

Bucky doesn’t know how fast his heart is going, but he knows for certain it’s not normal. The fear flowing in and out of his body like an electric charge feels like a knife poking at your organs and twisting them until you pass out. He feels lightheaded, but he can’t sit down. 

Sam tells Bucky when he leaves. That is their deal. That’s what it’s always been. 

An unstable 100 year old man cannot live for two seconds alone, or he’ll end up like this. It’s  _ pathetic.  _ He shouldn’t  _ need  _ anyone, and yet he does.

He needs Sam.

And then his phone goes off. He slowly reaches for it, his hand shaking as he clings to the couch with his metal arm. 

‘You wish. I’m out getting groceries, jerk. Meant to tell you.’

A wave of relief hits Bucky, and he thinks it’s enough to make him fall over.

‘If you buy that gross off brand soda again you’re dead to me.’

He can hear Sam’s laugh at that even though he isn’t in the room. Sam laughs at everything, constantly trying to make the day brighter and seemingly make Bucky’s heart feel things it hadn’t felt since Steve left. 

‘I’ll try not to, Buck. I’m just trying to save us money!’

Bucky tries to send a laughing emoji, but accidentally sends a frog. Oops. Still getting used to the button pressing.

And Sam comes home an hour later. Bucky’s quiet, but Bucky’s always quiet, so Sam has no reason to suspect anything. 

“Did you go and get a haircut?”

Bucky smiles, shaking his head. “Did this myself actually. Are you proud?”

“Well, don’t go that far. But it’s good. You look good, Buck.”

_ Buck.  _

Bucky ignores what his body is telling him and nods, the overwhelmingly familiar twist in his gut coming back to knock him over. “Yeah, thanks. But I always look good, you just don’t admit it.”

“Mhm. I brought home lunch.”

And just like that things are back to normal. And Bucky doesn’t mention his freak out, because sometimes, secrets are better off staying secrets.


	2. The Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky knows Sam is going to be mad at him.
> 
> Not just mad, maybe enraged. Bucky didn’t want to see him like that, to see anyone he loved--liked, to get mad at him like that. He knows he deserves it, but he’s terrified. So much so he thinks his emotions are going to kill him one of these days.

Bucky knows Sam is going to be mad at him.

Not just mad, maybe enraged. Bucky didn’t want to see him like that, to see anyone he loved--liked, to get mad at him like that. He knows he deserves it, but he’s terrified. So much so he thinks his emotions are going to kill him one of these days.

The door opens, and Sam gives Bucky a smile as he sets his jacket down. “Hey, cyborg. How’s the day treated you?”

“Well, it’s been alright,” Bucky responds nonchalantly. The anxiety creeping up his skin like a bug is enough to give him the chills, but he remains calm as he looks into Sam’s eyes.

And then Alpine meows.

“Buck, is there a cat in my house?”

Bucky knows there’s no point in lying, but he decides to anyway.

“No?”

Alpine meowed again. This time louder than the last, like she was trying to get Bucky in trouble. Bucky’s hands clenched in and out of a fist, an anxious habit. 

He was afraid he’d have to choose between Captain America and his new cat.

“You brought a cat home. Why exactly?”

Well, Bucky had tried to go on a walk that day. Baby steps. Stepping back into humanity after years of wasting away still felt horribly threatening. The thought of being a person again was a lovely, welcoming one that Bucky thought of often, but the actual idea of committing to it and going through the hard stuff was less desirable. 

But still. He took a walk, met a cat, and took said cat to the vet. He went to a damn veterinarian’s office alone. A true feat, if Bucky could say so himself. 

All he knows is fighting and fear. It’s been ingrained in him by Hydra, and continued by his own self after. The fear of hurting others, the fear of entering this world without a damn idea of how to work a cellphone or a computer could swallow him whole some days. 

Baby steps are healing. A giant step is a therapy cat. 

When Bucky explains his reasons, Sam can only sigh. “Yeah, keep the stupid cat. But it stays away from me, you got it?”

“You sound like a parent disciplining their child.”

Sam laughs. “And you’re like a child who brought a wild animal home.”

Bucky picks up Alpine and strokes her fur, feeling safer and at ease almost immediately. The cat purrs in his arms, the feeling enough to warm Bucky’s heart. He swears he can see Sam smile at them, but he pretends not to notice. He pretends not to notice a lot of things Sam does. 

Sam was a damn good friend. Letting Bucky keep the cat, letting Bucky stay at his house when they barely even knew each other...it was pure, genuine kindness. It’s the reason Steve trusted him so damn much. So much to give him the shield and have him take on the role of Captain America. 

Bucky’s proud. No one could’ve taken that shield after Steve died except for Sam. 

Sam walks to the kitchen, humming to himself as he starts to make dinner. Sam is a good cook, and Bucky wants to ask for lessons. Cooking would make him feel more human. 

But Alpine is in his arms, and she wasn’t going anywhere, so that was Bucky’s full priority. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I think that these bitches gay! Good for them! I'm just gonna put the chapters out as soon as I finish them and since I've been feeling pretty motivated this whole fic might wrap up sometime soon so you guys don't have to wait too long for updates!


	3. The Dangerous Game of Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, Sam really is mad at Bucky. And Bucky is mad at Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah two whole chapters in one day I'm so cool. If you wanna follow my socials I'm darcysrambeau on both twitter and instagram.

This time, Sam really is mad at Bucky. And Bucky is mad at Sam.

A routine mission went bad in seconds. Sam had dove in front of Bucky to protect him, injuring himself in the process. And Bucky was  _ livid.  _

He couldn’t tell you why he was mad. Why he was so upset he felt the emotions gnaw on him like a lion gnaws on an antelope. He can’t tell you  _ why  _ Sam almost dying for him makes his face hot and fear spike up. But it does. 

Sam walks into their house, and the tension is already filling the air. “I don’t know why you’re mad, Buck.”

“You could’ve died! That’s why!”

Sam sits down and smirks. “But I didn’t. Because I’m awesome.”

“You knew you could’ve died and yet you still jumped in front of me.”

Sam rolls his eyes as Alpine jumps onto his lap. “Would you relax? No one got hurt, and both you and I walked out with everything intact. You should be congratulating me.”

Bucky huffs. “I’m not congratulating you for being an idiot and doing something that you never should’ve done.”

Sam’s eyebrows raise as his eyes widen. “Okay. Usually, when a person saves another person, they get a thank you. They don’t get called an idiot.”

“I don’t want you to save me,” Bucky says, his face heating up once again. “It’s not right.”

“Well too bad, because if you get in trouble again, I’m going to save your ass. That’s just what this job is. I’m putting everyone, especially you, before me in a fight. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want, but it’s what’s happening.”

Bucky rubs his face. “I’m not going on missions with you then. I won’t have you running into danger for me.”

“Oh my god.”

Bucky is completely serious, and Sam knows that. Which makes this all the more aggravating. Bucky’s face is completely red, looking as if smoke were to come out of his ears at any second.

“This is our job, Buck. You don’t get to just bench me from saving your life. I do what I want, and what I want to do is my job.”

Bucky knows he can’t argue with that. This  _ was  _ Sam’s job, and Bucky is being obtuse about it as usual. 

“Steve trusted me to keep you safe. I’m going to do my damn best to make sure I do exactly that.”

Steve’s name makes Bucky crumble on the inside. Steve, who he thought he was finally getting over, seemed to come up again and again like a fire Bucky couldn’t put out. He holds his head, grasping for the side of the couch.

“Don’t bring him up.”

Sam sighs, carefully lifting Alpine off his lap and placing her on the cushion next to him. “I’m sorry, but it seems like I have to in order for you to understand this shit.”

“Understand this? I will never understand it! I don’t understand how my life is more important than yours! I don’t understand why you seem to blow off you risking your life for me as some little fucking thing! Don’t tell me I need to understand this shit, because I never will.”

Sam grabs his jacket. “Fine then. I’ll give you some space if you still want to piss over this. I’m done talking about it.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

Sam grabs his keys and makes his way to the front door. Bucky wants to stop him, but he knows he needs a break too. He knows that he can’t hold onto Sam forever, but everything inside him is telling him that he should. 

Sam walks out, and the house is quiet again. Bucky can only hope Sam would come home that night.

Bucky walks through the house, which is something he really hasn’t done before. He’s never explored or really taken it in, because it’s not his own, as much as he’d like it to be. He is a guest, not meant to stay but probably well overstayed his welcome. He should be looking at apartment listings, or jobs that don’t include beating the shit out of bad guys, but for once in his life he feels  _ safe _ . He doesn’t want that feeling gone just yet. He wants to hold onto that feeling until he grows old, whenever the hell that may be. 

Bucky had never noticed how many pictures of Riley Sam truly had in the house. Bucky knew almost nothing about him, except for the fact that Sam loved him. That Sam had loved Riley the same way Bucky had loved Steve.

Maybe that was something they had in common. Or maybe it wasn’t, guessing that Riley didn’t have a choice, but Steve did. 

It hits him again. Steve  _ left  _ him. Steve left him to live a fantasy life in the damn forties of all places with a girl he kissed once. Steve had left everything and everyone behind for a girl, and it was miserable.

Not that there was anything wrong with Peggy. If they had known each other better, Bucky was sure that they would’ve been friends. But she already had a life. She had a husband, and kids, who now cease to exist in a timeline because of Steve’s selfishness. 

Maybe after everything, Steve deserved to be selfish. Then again, it still never sat right with Bucky. 

He looks around a little more, seeing everything that Sam owns. Figurines of birds lined a stereo at the end of the hallway. A stash of jackets that were never put away sat next to it. And pictures lined the walls, all of Sam’s friends who were close enough to be family on display.

There’s pictures of Nat and Steve on one end, and it really starts to click for Bucky. Sam has lost so many people. Natasha, Steve, and Riley were all gone, and it seemed as if Bucky was one of the only ones left. 

He starts to realize that Sam has to be grieving Steve too. 

He goes to sit back down when he notices a picture on the very end of the hall. It’s a picture of Sam, Alpine, and Bucky they had taken a little while back. Sam joked that they could make it their holiday card.

And Bucky feels the urge to cry. Not in a bad way, but in an I’m-still-loved-after-Steve kind of way. Sam cares for Bucky more than Bucky could realize, and it hits Bucky all at once. And he knows he can’t be mad anymore, because if he had the chance, he'd step in front of Sam to save him too.

And Bucky decides to text him.

‘Come home’

He doesn’t expect a response, and he knows he doesn’t deserve one, but he gets one anyways. 

‘Already on my way.’


End file.
